I am at a BBQ with family, not many, just a few at the house of some dude we don’t even know. We’re all sitting around talking as the house owner’s son and my young cousin are playing basketball at a little court like 100 yards away. The ball happened to get stuck between the side of the rim and the backboard so I went there and I hit it only to see another ball right on the grass.
So I took it and started walking down a path and for some reason all these people started breaking out into a song and gay dance about how “Yay, we found a ball!” as I power walk to get away from them. My uncle is leading this charge, that fool is weird.
As I get to the bottom of the hill, I see this basket in a parking lot and start shooting around and these old hippies tell me to join their dance line cause I was the one who found the ball, it made no sense but I said “fuck off and go away.” Then some Rich Keane came by with a van and told me there was something I had to see on his Minivan TV shit. I go in and we shows me an DVD of Maury the talk show guy, in teenage porn. Apparently Maury would wear a mask and sneak into girls bathrooms and start raping them and then they turn out to like it. One girl screamed “Keep fucking me, me so horny, me love you long time.” Rich and I were shocked. Turns out he just found this DVD.
I go outside to shoot ball and Rich went to park his van but then these Italian guys in a suit came and kidnapped him and bolted. I stood there very confused thinking why the fuck would anyone kidnap Rich Keane, was it about the DVD? Then these cars just started parking all around the hoop and I got pretty upset and the hippies singing about basketball came back. They were having like a cult concert or some shit. I saw a lot of Italian guys in suits and thought the mob was behind this. They were maybe trying to find me cause maybe they think I’ve seen maury’s underground porno thing. And I see Maury come out of this black van and he’s talking about honor and shit. It hits me that these lunatic hippies are part of Maury’s porno cult. And then I see Ellen Keane and she tells me that Rich is next to the stage between the 2 open back doors of the black van, the Italian mob was going to assassinate him in front of everyone. I look at her and tell her to stop crying and yell out “Sex” in 30 seconds, I’ll take care of the rest. She started counting but I had to tie my shoe laces, but when I got up she was already at 15, I told her to stop but in her panic she wouldn’t stop counting down. So I put my finger in her mouth to stop her as she was counting outloud. She started rolling her tongue around my finger, she was pretty damn good at it… I was distracted but I told her to start the count again and I left. I was hoping this “sex” yelling would just start a sex chant to create a distraction. I ganked someone’s milk and went about 30 feet away from the van to the opposite side of the cult where no one was standin. The count should be at about 27 seconds so I launched the milk into the sky and then heard the “SEX.” And people bursted out “SEX SEX SEX MAURY SEX SEX SEX.” And the milk hit the mob guy standing with Rich Keane and the guy fell through the door. Another mob guy starts to shoot in that direction as Rich Keane tries to run away but I slit the guys throat from behind and take his gun.
Now the cops came and a shoot out broke loose. I hid behind the stage picking off the Italian mobsters with a gun and the scope I had as I hid rich keane under another van. I shot a few cops while I was at it cause I don’t trust them either. A cop got shot by me so I took his uniform so the cops know to at least to not shoot at me. As the mobsters died, I saw Maury making a break for it, I busted a cap in his knee and he hit the ground. I went up to him and asked him for an autograph on the evidence CD I took from the van rich keane was made hostage. And I punched him in the face repeatedly cause I was so upset from those singing cult/hippie guys. A cop stopped me and looked at me and said “You’re not in the force, I don’t know you.” And pointed a gun at me, I lifted my gun and shot as I hit the ground to avoid cross fire. I shot a mobster behind the cop and the cop shot missed me. He realized I saved him and when he came up to me to shake me hand he saw who’s uniform I took and he said, “He was a good man, he’ll be missed.” I said, “yea, you shot at me” and I shot him in the leg and said “now we’re even.” And then I took Rich Keane home where his eldest sister was wearing sexy lingerie. We started drinking wine as Rich went to be to recover from his day and she started cleaning up my wounds.
I woke up cause some dude’s car alarm went off outside.
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