The Stone Cold Stunner

i was in a swat unit with bruce willis raiding some druglord's headquarters... but they expected us and we were so outnumbered.

I hid in a closet just hoping for the best. Bruce joined in and tried hiding in the corner. Some thug opens the door, I point 2 guns at him but his friends point a lot more at us. We were taken hostage. We were tied up and forced to sit on the ground till the boss came in.

5 minutes later, the boss comes in and it turns out to be the joker and harley quin. I realize it's a dream. Usually when i figure this out, i can control my dream and get superpowers and hot chicks involved.... i coulfnt this time. I thought hard to have the ability to fly or shoot something but nothing was happening. Harley poiints a gun at my face and i start thinking the stone cold song hoping i can pull off a miracle..... boom stone cold comes in and stuns the joker, the rock comes in and rockbottoms harley and then the people's elbow. We're untied and we all drink beer and I wake up

... I summoned Stone Cold and The Rock

Homeless dog and a dream stolen

I was fighting the urge to go to sleep so this dream kind of has gaps cause I woke up and fell back into the dream

It started with me trying to fight the urge to sleep, felt almost as if I were drugged. I heard my door open, I tried to run to it but I felt very weak. I crawled towards the stairs. I heard to door closed and a footstep, I started throwing shoes down the stairs while still on the floor in hopes to scare away any buglar. I fell asleep but then woke up to sounds of soft barking. I looked for a dog but couldnt get myself awake enough. I passed out on the floor. I wake up to the barks again and find a yorkie next to my punching bag. The dog has no tag. Someone knocks on my door claiming to have lost a dog, so I said I'll go get him from upstairs. He punches me and runs up my stairs. I go up, and drill him with my fire extinguisher, and then put him in a sharpshooter. The dog starts biting at his face while he screams. I let go after like 5 minutes and then knock him out with a strong punch to the face. I tie him up and call the cops.

Now I woke up in real life for 5 seconds and fell asleep. Me and the dog were walking and I saw Priyanka Chopra and I've assumed the role of an actor indian movie Dostana. In the movie, She broke up with her boyfriend from the movie and I put a move on her. I noticed a glitch in my dream but didnt pay attention to it cause she was so hot, she would jump on me and I would hvae trouble holding her up... which I shouldn't have trouble with at all. Now this isnt in the script and she mentions it to me. I told her I wont let go unless she tells me to, we start making out and dirty talk inbetween the kisses. I close my eyes while we were kissing, when I opened my eyes, I realized it was a guy, ShahRukh Khan trying to kiss me, I drilled him with a Rock Bottom and start hearing the Joker's Laughter. I realized it was a dream with in a dream. I wake up into the level 1 dream and see the Joker and Scarecrow. I'm tied into a chair. The joker does his evil laugh and says "How does it feel to have and then lose everything?" Scarecrow hits me with his serum but with an adrenaline rush, I brake out of the ropes and run for Scarecrow trying to take him out.

I hear glass break and stone cold comes out of nowhere and hits me with the stunner. I woke up to the sound of my backup alarm which is stone cold's theme song.

Blood is on the PETA

Me and ushir are golfing at glenwild greens out in bloomingdale, NJ. We approach the final hole, a 180 yard par 3 with a lake off center in the middle. I hit my shot into the trees so I went to look for the ball as ushir went to hit off the tee. When I'm in the tree, I see the two deer by the lake charge at ushir and one runs right into him, knocking him over. I sprint back with a my lob wedge (my only all steel iron) and crush the baby deer in the neck. I see ushir down in pain. The mother deer comes at me, I do a spin move and drill it in the back of the head with the iron and hit it continuously till it stops moving. I take ushir to the hospital where he is found to have nothing more than a few broken ribs.

The local newspaper, the leader wrote an article about how I saved ushir. I'm sleeping in my living room adn start hearing lots of noise. Something is being thrown at my house. I look at my window and it's a PETA protest on my lawn and those assholes are throwing rocks at my place. I am obviously furious, I run out my side door and sprint to my car and start driving to Tony's house. I pick up Tony and asked him where he bought the big from the pig roast.

So we go to the butcher's farm and we ask for him to save the blood of all the animals he kills for $200. He gives us a few jugs of butchered animal blood in which I put in heparin to keep it from clotting. From there, we went to toysrus to buy the biggest water guns we can find. We filled our super soakers with the heparinized blood and started our drive to my place.

I open the sunroof and Tony sticks his head out the top and starts the drive by, shooting up the PETA protesters with blood. I get out of the car with two more super soakers and attack them. all 15 or so protesters drenched in blood running away, some falling by slipping on the blood.

I wake up

8/1/2010 Alternate Universe

I get arrested for punching a dude in the face. My prison sentence was lifetime of slavery in the alternate universe, which at the time made no sense to me. The judge explained to me that scientists have discovered an alternate universe which is identical to this one but with a completely different history and story. There has been a portal created to go to this alternative universe but its only one way. The government has decided to send prisoners through in order to cut back on costs of keeping them in prisons. I was told that when I get there, I will be seeing a slavery orientation lecturer who will give us a history of the area and what to expect. They put us all in a room chained together by the feet and zapped us a giant laser. I opened my eyes and I was on a cliff overlooking a massive city with a huge castle sticking out over it.

I see this guy wearing military gear and he starts yelling at us, “Welcome to Bobby’s World, you bunch of filthy swines.” The fellas kind of just looked at each other and I asked “Bobby’s world?” The sergeant says, “Yes, Bobby’s World. There are no more countries, states, counties. There is a guy name Bobby who took over the world.” After he said this I saw a giant bird that looked like tucan-sam from the fruitloops cerealbox. The sergeant said “ignore them, they don’t attack people.” Tucan attacked him and killed him off. He came after the guy next to me but I picked up my legs to trip him with the chains and we stomped a mudhole in him. Shots were fired at us and 4 of the 10 guys died. Some soldier came in and said “The penalty for attacking one of Bobby’s birds is death.” So I threw a giant rock at the back of his head and either knocked him out or killed him. We dragged to corpses towards him and then shot the chains open.

We all ran away but we had no idea where to go or what to do. Word got out about our killing of Bobby’s bird and soldier and we were wanted fugitives. I go to the town market and by a trenchcoat and a vest. I also went looking around for a local gunshop but was told there was no way to have access to a gun. The only people to have guns in Bobby’s world are the police and soldiers. I had one choice left, kill some police and soldiers to grab their weapons so I have something to defend myself against being hunted by Bobby’s authority. I laid down screaming for help down in an alley when I saw a cop walk by and he came in running. I point up the fire escape and said some guy mugged me. When he looked up, I took the chain I had and choked him out. I took his gun and his ammo. I took out another 3 cops in a similar fashion and had 4 guns. Those guns went into my vest but I felt I needed a machine gun for my trenchcoat to hold. I shot down two soldier guards, took their guns and ran for it. I was chased by dogs but I lost them as I jumped for a ladder of a fire escape and climbed to the rooftop.

Over the next few days I was being pointed out by the cops and random soldiers that are on patrol around the area. I decided that the only way I’d make it is by killing the guy who put the hit out on me. I had to leave the city first. I stole a dude’s motorcycle and went to the ocean side which was about 5 miles outside the city. Poseidon came out of the water and started speaking to me. He said “I not here to fight with you. We share a common enemy in Bob.” He gave me Poseidon’s rage. He also said that Ares wanted me to have the demon that kicked my ass in a previous dream. Me and now my collegue demon went back to the main city and we got some stares.

We met a map maker in the market square. This guy can make magic maps that can target a person’s exact location at a time. To make this map, we need something that belongs to the person. So I went back to the site where I was transferred into this universe. I took a few feathers off the corpse of the toucan. The map maker made the map of the castle with a glowing point which signifies Bob’s location. The map showed two entrances. The main entrance was heavily guarded with soldiers. The side entrance was much smaller and only had a few guards. My plan was to send my demon to the front gate and his presence should be enough to draw fire while recruiting the side door guards which gives me a chance to take out someone and sneak in with their clothes. Apparently the demon can take many bullets and shoot fire. He killed over half the soldiers. Unfortunately for demon, he cannot take a rocket launcher. He died, and I’m glad he’s dead, he whipped my ass in a previous dream.

I got into the castle and got to the kitchen. Here I met a black mobster I’ve killed in my previous dream and he sent his gang after me. I started running up a spiral staircase and climbed into a ventilation system that took me to the bedrooms in the castle. I figured I’d just go room to room until I find Bobby and just shoot him. My plan failed horribly as I fell down taking the vents with me. I fell into a room with some blonde dressed in a gown. She knew my face and was kind of freaky. Looked at me with lust and started coming on to me. I went along with it. Apparently I slept with the dictator’s daughter. She apparently hates her father because she is never allowed out of the castle to explore the outside world. With the false promise of me taking her away if she helps me kill her father, she told me there is a masquerade at the ballroom tonight.

I enter the masquerade with a Zorro like mask and then run into Hilary Clinton, who I gave a hard time to at a knicks game at a previous dream. She managed to recognized me and punched me in the face. Her punch managed to knock my mask off. Bobby recognized me and called for his guards. I grabbed Clinton and held a gun to her head. Told the guards if they took one step, I’d shoot her. Bobby said “shoot her, I don’t give a shit about her.” Knowing I was fucked, I shot her. They grabbed me from behind before I can get a shot at Bobby. I was told I’d be hanged at noon the next day.

They threw sand in my mouth to wake me up and took me to the guillotein. As some dude started listing my crimes, Medusa (whom I’ve hooked up with in a previous dream) comes to my rescue and freezes the entire stage outside of myself and the rope. I break loose and make a run for it. Medusa started shooting out these black webs all over the place causing the people to panic and start running. I used poisedon’s rage with pretty much took out everything within 200 yards of me. Grabbed the guns of the dead guards and went after Bobby.

I went into the castle tower where I saw a maze with cartoons ready to attack me which has happened in a previous dream. I ran like a bitch. Mickey Mouse had a rocket launcher. I ran into the daughter, whoms name I don’t remember, and she had a bloody sword claiming she killed her father. Mickey Mouse shot her dead. I jumped out of the window and landed in the ocean

I woke up.

6/23/2010 Murphy

I was driving on a street and hit traffic, people were getting out of their cars and running.

I get out of my car and noticed there was a shootout between the cops and a gang led by Red Foreman

The gunfire stopped and Officer Alex Murphy went to negociate with Redd so he doesn't kill the hostages he has. Redd at first looked like he was willing to neogiciate but then he and his gang started shooting murphy down with shotguns and mutilated him Robocop style. I felt like I had to stop it, but I wasn't gonna go into the shoot out... so I just at there, eating the coffee cake I had in my car.

eventually snipers took redd's gang out and we all went on with our day. Then I went to stumps house, which was weird cause I saw people I go to Med School with at his house. I went to his basement only to find a stash of gay porn which was weird. I went to the kitchen and made a sandwich and went to watch TV. For some reason, the med school people were watching home made videos of them waving at the camera... it was crap.

I woke up

6/18/2010 Frazza's Grandfather

I was leaving Tony's house and saw Tom's car. I put my face on his window to be a dick and start making faces. Then I see Frazza in front of Tony's steps and I tell him to quit being a bitch and come back to life. He says that he's been trying. Then out of nowhere Frazza's grandfather (My mind made him up, I have no idea what he looks like) comes and says "And bring back your brother and father."

I say "If you bring back your father, I'm gonna kill him"
his grandfather said "But he's a fruit principle"
I say "He wasn't a quire principle"
his grandfather says "Not a FRUIT principle, he was a principle of fruit"
me "What the fuck does that mean"
frazza "I am not gonna bring back my dad"
grandfather "But he's a fruit principle"
Tony runs out "What the fuck is going on here"
me "Frazza's dad was a fruit principle"
Tony "I guess he was gay, but he wasn't a principle"
Grandfather "NO A PRINCIPLE OF FRUIT"
Tony shakes his head in confusion blurting out "No.. no no no, this cant happen here, get the fuck out of here" and kicks frazza's grandfather out.

I wake up

6/18/2010 FRIENDS + medicaid

6/18/2010 FRIENDS + medicaid
Today I had a dream that I had a private practice clinic with 6 partners. The partners were the cast of the hit TV show FRIENDS. We were all double and triple billing our patients medicare/medicaid/HPO for money. We got caught and the cops showed up to our practice. We had an escape route leading to some trees where we had cars and an open area to drive onto the road on the other side. We went in 3 groups of 2. Lisa Kudrow was in my car. We went to shoprite to pick up some things for the roadtrip to mexico. We were practicing in San Diego to give you a general idea and yes I know there aren't shoprites in san Diego.

We hooked up in the shoprite bathroom and a cop spotted us in the parking lot. We booked it and lost him in a PNC bank parking lot where i ripped the license plate off another car and replaced ours. Lisa gave me a crew cut with the hairtrimmer we bought at shoprite. We made it to a random used car dealership where we bought a 74 GTO Cash.
We made it to new mexico before my alarm went off and woke me up... I think we would've made it

12/8/09 Polar Bear

tell this to your psych doctor
i got caught witnessing a murder in a building so I start running thinking i'll just jump out an open window but a referree throws a flag and says HOLDING and makes me start the run over from 10 yards back so now i gotta run faster to pass the defenders coming from the other parts of the hall. I jump out the window and Puff Daddy set up a trampoline outside to catch me. I noticed a white mass in the bushes. This guy comes at me in a polar bear costume.. I suplex the bear and the head comes off, it's brian lapierre. He comes at me again, and I suplex him again. He's on the ground and i hear a growl, i look over, it's a polar bear charging at us from a block away. I piledrive lapierre and leave him as unconscious bate for the bear as I run into a house. The house turns out to be a family reunion where i fix my cousin's cabinet

5/25/09 Broddrick and Football

first i kicked my father out of the house cause he tried to kick my brother out after thinkin he let a 17 year old girl (girl who's really 25 and i almost hooked up with running for a ms america or some pagent or some shit on TV) smoke. Then on my way to work i had to call out cause i got food poisoning. So they sent someone to follow me to my house and find out if i was lying cause they thought i was a psycho
urnuttynut (9:11:50 AM): then i turned into matthew bodderick and was a supreme court judge
urnuttynut (9:15:33 AM): and some guy walks into my house and i see him wondering why my couches arent facing the TV. I knew why he was there as i had a gun in my back pocket. He told me that if i dont sign this form (letter of resignation) with the name "Savereese" (my OMM book's author), couple people are gonna come here to "take care of me." So i pulled out the gun and told him to tell them to come. He goes "You'll be sentenced to prison for life if you kill all of them" and i said as matthew brodderik "I am the court, that wont happen" and i went to my attic and waited for a hummer and when 5 guys walked out armed, i ended it in 10 seconds with a rifle like machine gun.
urnuttynut (9:17:10 AM): THEN i woke up to take a piss and went back to sleep where this little fat doctor guy named Dr. Scott was coaching me out to play football cause I was gonna be Ed Reed's replacement, that turned into playing paddle ball 2 on 2 with Dr. Scott and Ryan Reynolds vs me and Canzano but the ball was like those supersmall really bouncy balls. And we played tennis style ina closed room, no hit against the wall, we hit it at eachother

5/19/09 Yao Electra Zohan Hewitt

i had a dream where me ushir tom went to a basketball court where they charged us 9$ an hour to play
and when we paid all these naked chicks came
lead by carmen electra
yea and then for some reason after doing them, everyone else ignored us completely
and then i went upstairs and then yao ming punched me
cause apparently carmen electra was his girl
so i took a chair and hit him in the head and took his clothes so he was only in tighty whities and ran into the bathroom
tony is outside tryint to cheer yao up so once i see it, i break for the elevator and for to the first floor and you ca n clearly hear the conversation between toni and yao
so when yao got on an elevator, i went up to the roof and threw his clothes there
where adam sandler tries to tackle me, (he's zohan), he missed, and then yao comes and i back body drop him off the roof, sandler jumps off with a rope and lassos him as he grows sabretooth claws and slows his momentum down via the wall
so i jumped connected to a rope to drop a leg but the rope was too short so it whipped me into someone's balcony
turns out it happened to be jennifer love hewitt and topanga
and they were looking for a threesome, tap that
then JLH was giving me a ride home froma basketball court turned hotel... i dont know
and then i realized we're about to be attacked, i dont know how, i saw that corny movie next and maybe it stuck in my head so i jumped, then she takes the top of her truck off and it's a fucking chain gun
she starts it and spins it, bullets fly everywhere
and i woke up

3/3/09 Fake Black Cop

I’m at the mall with ushir and toni and we’re walking and I see these group of these Chinese girls who were flashing their friends taking pictures so I thought it’d be a good idea to approach them. On my way I walk into a bunch of Indian girls and start talking to them. They grabbed my hand and started walking and then one of their boyfriends shows up and it turns out Ushir hates him so he slapped him. The guy started running, I get the girl’s # and we start chasing him. And some how harris sean and tom end up joining us and next thing I know we’re chasing the guy through a park and he jumps through this jungle gym maze and then by the park exit, I caught him, spun him and buried his head into the dirt. Ushir got there and started kicking him and Tom threw a boulder on his knee. Then we realized we lost harris at the jungle gym. We go back and we find him there crying cause he’s afraid of sliding down the 5 foot poll to come down. Toni says “It’s ok harris. You can do it, you wont break your leg. I promise.” Ushir says “You’re a fucking fireman, how can you not slide down a short poll.” Harris crying yells “Stop yelling at me” Toni says “Ignore him, you can do it, just try” Harris “NO!”
I say “Harris…. There is a slide right next to you” Harris comes down

we were all at dunkin donuts and i went to get food while the guys decided to walk to Toni's place
so i get in my car and turn it on and this black cop comes in front of my car and tells me to get out. I get out and take my keys with me. I see this white guy goes into the passenger seat and the cop tried to take my keys. I noticed his outfit didn't fit him, his gun looked like a toy and his badge looked plastic. I realized I was being robbed. i get into teh car and the white guy points one a fake gun at me and says "Get out of the car"
So in retaliation I cleverly say "You get out of the car". then this other car comes pulls over next to me to block me. These guys start screaming at me to get out of the car. Now i'm clearly out numbered. I start talkin shit back and once i see the car in front of me go, i punched the guy next to me in the nose, but then the black guy cop jumped into the car via the moon roof and i floored it. 2 blocks of zig zagg and i pull over right next to my friends who were walking towards Tony's and say "Hey, these assholes are tryin to steal my car."
we kicked teh shit out of 2 of them and the other 2 ended up dead
then i ate my sandwich

1/25/09 Penguin, Joker, The eye

Posting this as an IM to my friend to avoid copying and pasting

urnuttynut (8:00:01 PM): me and you were kids and our neighbor friend has issues but we chill with him sometimes, he's the future joker
Spleen8433 (8:00:18 PM): how
________________________________________
Auto Response from urnuttynut (8:00:18 PM): Damn you DJ Assault and your beautiful words
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urnuttynut (8:00:21 PM): i dont know
urnuttynut (8:00:39 PM): we're chillin at his place in the basement and then he goes up stairs and tells us to wait down there and then teh penguin comes
Spleen8433 (8:00:47 PM): ahahhahaha
urnuttynut (8:01:04 PM): he gets a hold of joker's stretch boxing glove puncher and hits us a couple times
urnuttynut (8:01:13 PM): and then we start attacking him and learn he's unstoppable for some reason
urnuttynut (8:01:38 PM): we shot him in teh nuts and he fell on the ground, some halo came out from the crotch and he just got right up and threw you through the wall
i got you, threw you on my back and ran up the stairs
and for some reason we ended up in some black woman's house who flipped out and we ran downstairs
and then some how it was my house, it was a maze
and joker told us the only way to kill the penguin is to steal is clear eye (he had a fake eye on the left), and apparently the joker wanted it. We agreed, but we talked on teh side and agreed not to give it to him cause he's kind of crazy and what if it has powers
so penguin comes into my kitchen and i see him taunting my father so i get a hammer and drill him in the back of the head
he doesnt move and pushes my father away and punches me in the face and you come in and stab him in the leg and i swing the hammer aiming for his eye
i drilled it but for some reason he just turned into a piece of steak
a big one
so we're searching for an eye in there but out of no were, we look outside and we notice my house it on a dock by a lake... we look down and penguin is back into his penguin form
he pushes both of us off and runs outside, clearly weakened by his steak transformation
i told you to cut him off in the front of the house
i jump out my window and he's running and get him in sleeper with one arm and told you to keep punchin his temple to crack the bones supportig his eyes, when you did, i applied pressure with my thumb and his eye popped out and started rolling towards the water
joker came out and stabbed the penguin dead with his cane and did his laugh
now we're all runnign for the eye which is quickly rollin to teh water
i get it right before it hits the water but i jump in to give the illusion that it went into the sea
joker jumped after it
found some other random ball so he thought he had it while i hid it and kept it and it gave me powers to do almost anything
me andyou went to AC and won a LOT of money

1/9/09 Slut Dog

my brother is droppin me off at home and we pull up by the Russ's home.
I ask him "What are we doing here"
he says "You gotta see something really weird"
we go in and i see a black guy and he says "Oh, here to walk my dog again?"
and i see this long thin dog which looks really weird cause it looks like a human a little but it is a dog. And this dog just bites my hand and then turns much much much more human, we're talkin about 99% human and 1% dog which is the poof of hair on her head which you'd get if you pony tail short hair at the top of the skull. Then the dog starts talking to me. I'm baffled that the dog can talk and is now a very very hot chick with a smokin hot body. And the chick is makin me feel her up as we're walkin but in the back of my head i know she's a dog but the body parts are so perfect that i cant help grab her ass as we walk.

1/5/09 El Muchacho Negro

I was takin a flight back from vegas with this one girl i know. On the 2nd flight, I put a bag in the overhead and when i'm about to sit i see two bags fall and i catch them and the fuckin air hostesses dude started yelling at me telling me to sit down cause i have hepatitis B and I'm droppin things. I start yellin at him cause that made no fuckin sense. and he told me to "Sit down or i'll get security. Sit down, shut up, and when we land, go see a doctor"
and I respond “but I am a doctor"
and then something happened and the plane started going in weird circles and then me and that girl are on some tower somewhat like the Washington Monument but much narrower that you can slide down. So we slide down and see the other passengers, I spank her in a good way and then when we're just sittin and foolin around some guy asks me how to say black man in spanish so i said "El muchacho negro?" and then this black guy gets all mad cause he thought I said Nigger. Comes up at me and starts threatening me and then Adrian Peterson comes and punches him in the face and we all run cause.... some how this guy is bigger. And then I end up in some room trapped with him but i found a sword and stabbed him and ran like a bitch and woke up

1-5-09 Baby Maze

I am barney from how i met your mother and want ted's permission to do robin. He gets mad but tells me if i pass some test I can do her. But the test was deliver 10 babies and guide them all through some maze
and i got baby 1 to 7 to do it but #8 was givin me trouble and I started yelling at it and woke myself up cause i shouted outloud

8-27-2008 Maury's Mob

I am at a BBQ with family, not many, just a few at the house of some dude we don’t even know. We’re all sitting around talking as the house owner’s son and my young cousin are playing basketball at a little court like 100 yards away. The ball happened to get stuck between the side of the rim and the backboard so I went there and I hit it only to see another ball right on the grass.
So I took it and started walking down a path and for some reason all these people started breaking out into a song and gay dance about how “Yay, we found a ball!” as I power walk to get away from them. My uncle is leading this charge, that fool is weird.
As I get to the bottom of the hill, I see this basket in a parking lot and start shooting around and these old hippies tell me to join their dance line cause I was the one who found the ball, it made no sense but I said “fuck off and go away.” Then some Rich Keane came by with a van and told me there was something I had to see on his Minivan TV shit. I go in and we shows me an DVD of Maury the talk show guy, in teenage porn. Apparently Maury would wear a mask and sneak into girls bathrooms and start raping them and then they turn out to like it. One girl screamed “Keep fucking me, me so horny, me love you long time.” Rich and I were shocked. Turns out he just found this DVD.
I go outside to shoot ball and Rich went to park his van but then these Italian guys in a suit came and kidnapped him and bolted. I stood there very confused thinking why the fuck would anyone kidnap Rich Keane, was it about the DVD? Then these cars just started parking all around the hoop and I got pretty upset and the hippies singing about basketball came back. They were having like a cult concert or some shit. I saw a lot of Italian guys in suits and thought the mob was behind this. They were maybe trying to find me cause maybe they think I’ve seen maury’s underground porno thing. And I see Maury come out of this black van and he’s talking about honor and shit. It hits me that these lunatic hippies are part of Maury’s porno cult. And then I see Ellen Keane and she tells me that Rich is next to the stage between the 2 open back doors of the black van, the Italian mob was going to assassinate him in front of everyone. I look at her and tell her to stop crying and yell out “Sex” in 30 seconds, I’ll take care of the rest. She started counting but I had to tie my shoe laces, but when I got up she was already at 15, I told her to stop but in her panic she wouldn’t stop counting down. So I put my finger in her mouth to stop her as she was counting outloud. She started rolling her tongue around my finger, she was pretty damn good at it… I was distracted but I told her to start the count again and I left. I was hoping this “sex” yelling would just start a sex chant to create a distraction. I ganked someone’s milk and went about 30 feet away from the van to the opposite side of the cult where no one was standin. The count should be at about 27 seconds so I launched the milk into the sky and then heard the “SEX.” And people bursted out “SEX SEX SEX MAURY SEX SEX SEX.” And the milk hit the mob guy standing with Rich Keane and the guy fell through the door. Another mob guy starts to shoot in that direction as Rich Keane tries to run away but I slit the guys throat from behind and take his gun.
Now the cops came and a shoot out broke loose. I hid behind the stage picking off the Italian mobsters with a gun and the scope I had as I hid rich keane under another van. I shot a few cops while I was at it cause I don’t trust them either. A cop got shot by me so I took his uniform so the cops know to at least to not shoot at me. As the mobsters died, I saw Maury making a break for it, I busted a cap in his knee and he hit the ground. I went up to him and asked him for an autograph on the evidence CD I took from the van rich keane was made hostage. And I punched him in the face repeatedly cause I was so upset from those singing cult/hippie guys. A cop stopped me and looked at me and said “You’re not in the force, I don’t know you.” And pointed a gun at me, I lifted my gun and shot as I hit the ground to avoid cross fire. I shot a mobster behind the cop and the cop shot missed me. He realized I saved him and when he came up to me to shake me hand he saw who’s uniform I took and he said, “He was a good man, he’ll be missed.” I said, “yea, you shot at me” and I shot him in the leg and said “now we’re even.” And then I took Rich Keane home where his eldest sister was wearing sexy lingerie. We started drinking wine as Rich went to be to recover from his day and she started cleaning up my wounds.

I woke up cause some dude’s car alarm went off outside.

8-15-2008 Grandfather

I’m sitting on the couch watching TV with my brother and then this guy comes in. He’s an old guy but he’s like 6’4 and pretty built. He starts to go through papers in my mom’s hiding spot for important shit. I ask him who he is. As he quickly starts leaving he says he’s my “Grandfather.” I think to myself “My grandfather was a short guy who died 18 years ago.” So I run to him and my mom tells me to stop. I asked what the hell this old guy is doing taking our papers and he tells me as my mom starts to tear, “I am your real grandfather.” My dad steps into the door and just freezes at the sight of his alledged father. It turns out this guy ran out on his family when my father was young and then the guy who I thought was my grandfather was my stepgrandfather.

The guy starts talking about how he made a ton of money after he abandoned his family and I figured out this guy is a complete dushbag “…. Literally.”

I tell him to give me that papers and get the fuck out.
He says “I see your father didn’t raise you well.”
I said “Yea, I guess kids pick up bad habits from their parents.”
He goes “Don’t make me discipline you”
I say “You aren’t going to do shit.”
He goes “You don’t know me…. I’ll do it”
I say “There’s no point of being a dick if you have no balls”
He looks at my father and says “I guess I shouldn’t expect better of your kids”

My father enraged goes after him but only to take a hard slap and fall. I jump in and punch the guy in the gut only to hurt my hand, this mofo was strong as hell. I took a punch to the face as I went back. I teared a little cause he got me on the nose and he starts to taunt me, “You gonna cry you little pussy.” I wipe off the tear and just start laughing for like 20 seconds. I spear him as I yell for my brother to come help. Standing over him I start clocking his eye socket. He threw me off and started wrestling off my brother, father and uncle. I rolled into my room real quick and got my oak nunchucks and snuck up from behind. I speared one end of the nunchuck into his sacrum and heard a loud crack and scream. I see the giant turn around and swing as I duck. I whipped the nunchuck at his face and he went down instantely. I got his temple and you see his skin purpling. I busted an artery and his skull. He’s pretty much gonna die and nothing can be done.

We threw him in the tub and decided to bury him at night in the backyard and plant flowers over the area so no one questions why the grass doesn’t grow there.

My cousin starts to cry and I go up to him and ask him if he was hit, he said “no, it’s just that he was so scary.”
I say “You’re crying and you weren’t hit” He nods yes.
I say “I shouldn’t say it but you’re a…. you’re a” and at same time his mom sticks her head in and says “Bitch” at the same time as me. I pause cause I thought, “damnit” but then I said “Yes, a bitch, a big one. You messed up with him somewhere down the line.”

5/20/2008 Hiliary Clinton at a knicks game

For some reason I was biking in Clifton and got a phone call from Toni telling me that he has tickets to the Jazz Knicks game. I biked to Madison Square Garden and we sit down. Shit is going normal till the 4th quarter when we are told to move to the third level all the way in the back to the Jazz fan section.
I go up there and sit down where me and my friends are separated by this couple that wouldn’t move down. I look over and realize it’s Hilary and Bill Clinton. I start to hit on Hilary Clinton, trying to convince her to go for a quickie behind one of the food stands. She did not seem to appreciate the proposal and told Bill Clinton to defend her. Bill Clinton starts cracking jokes saying things like “Well honey, it seems to me that he’s complementing you.” Eventually I went into the whole Monica Lewinsky scandal and how she should get even. Then she finally started to think about it as she put her hand on my thigh. This upset Mr. Clinton and he got up and started yelling. I put my arm around his wife and he pushed me. I got up and swung at him and these people in suits grabbed me. I started saying how it’s bullshit that he’s allowed to attack me and I can’t reciprocate. They eventually made me sit and the Clintons moved.
Apparently some dude video taped the entire thing and uploaded it on youtube all during the 4th quarter. I start talking to Toni and said, “I wish she would come back, maybe I’d apologize for how forward I was.” And one of the secrete service women were like “It’s too late for that now.” And I right away say, “I aint talking to you, bitch.” Game over and I see a limo drive by. I see two hands, one waving bye and the other giving the finger.
We went to 7-11. I got a blue raspberry slurpee.

3-7-08 Christopher Walken's army

The dream starts off with George Castanza from Seinfeld having lunch with me and he proposes an idea of selling a sock that is heated via a battery. I told him that it was dumber than his portable homeplate embedded in plastic idea. Apparently I was the protégé of Christopher Walken. George went out and bought an entertainment system but the store wouldn’t deliver it to his home or take it for a return. He was across the street from this very giant park full of gangster looking people. He decided to stand at the corner and sell his homeplate in hopes to get cab fare to get home. He was busy negotiating with some Japanese dude and ended up selling it for 40 bucks. He turns around and goes to pick up his box and realizes it’s empty. He starts overreacting like he does cause he was robbed.

Christopher Walken is seen walking by and notices Georges problem and summons his army. I am apparent a part of Christopher Walken’s army. He just tells the leader “This one is a friend of one of ours, get his stuff back.” We sprinted into battle with the gangsters, beating them all on their ass. They had a bunch of electronics and stole them all back. I was in a struggle because I got pepper sprayed so I grabbed my nunchuck and blindly started to whip it in a circle until Magneto stopped it and brought me to safety.

12-30-07 Chinese olympics

Chinese Olympics

Some random girl and I were sitting at this hill. There are other people around but they all have binoculars so we were curious to know what the hell was going on. We heard a gun shot and looked across the river. There were millions of mice let loose. I get sscared cause there’s a bridge connecting the two hills. Then these Chinese people come to the top of the hill on their horses and race for the bridge but the horses were slipping, falling and getting injuried due to the stepping on of the mice. Apparently this is a Chinese game where you must cross the bridge on a horse to win some gold medal. I see the horses fall and the mice run away from the area, the jockey would run and grab someone else’s horse and start to ride it. I saw out of nowhere Betty fall, she turns around without hesitation and devastates the face of a poor bastard trying to get back on his horse, she takes his horse and wins.